The Sap

Amazing, amazing , this never/rarely/never happens, this near enough vision of female engineering has walked straight up to Michael and proceeded to acknowledge his presence with a slight corner top lip-to-same-side-eye tweak smile. She looks slightly awkwardly at him like she’s got someone else’s shoes on, there a bit small pinching at the sides making it hard to remain, exhale, natural. Michael doesn’t mind though at all , what a result, she’s pretty pretty.Not one that we’d all immedialty notice and Michaels only noticed her because she’s walked boldly up to him, looked him near enough straight in the eye and appears to be happy to begin small conversational talk topics with him. Right fuck talk topics, Michael pull one of these out the hat, something witty, non threatening, not to opinionated but show that you have an opinion and an educated one at that. No one likes a push over, you sap. The weather, perfect. I bet she didn’t see that one coming, I’m sure no one has ever tried to strike up conversation with anyone before by talking about the weather. Fuck you unoriginal fucker, can’t you think for yourself. It’s the weather, neither good nor bad, today isn’t even exceptional weather (hurricane, snow, lunar eclipse etc) it’s just fucking weather you tit, what a waste of time, all the intresting things you’ve absorbed over the years, experiences, all the wet wetness walking times. Bollocks. If there’s one thing in this world that we could do without, and that’s small mindless mouth wanking about something you can’t control. If we spent all the time the entire human race has spent talking about the weather and channelled it into, say medical research, there would be no disease at all, we’d all live for ever not talking mindlessly about whether the weather will wither us all down to nothing by causing mild inconvenience due to its irregular nature.

Haven't we met before

“Yeah, that’ s really interesting “

said Charlie Bearings as he sat opposite the girl.

He’s sat in that really openly available way, you know the one, the one that a man does and thinks he looks all cool, casual and most of all sexually potent.
If your not sure what it looks like I’ll explain it to you: you have to sort of ease back in your seat, not too much or you may fall off, Charlie’s got his vanity pants clad arse sat on the chair with one leg on the floor and the other sort of resting on the chair-the same chair, the back of his foot and Achilles tendon is perching precariously on the edge of his seat next to his thigh that is still thigh without it becoming his balls. It sure isn’t comfortable, but he knows that she’s really into it, cos she just touched her hair. (Charlie’s well read and has read that somewhere)

One arm is near his drink, because that shows her that he likes his drink, yeah he can drink, put it away, with the lads most weekends in a social stereotyped bar of some country (Cuba, Spain, America, Belgium etc) No-one in the place could point to said country on the map, let alone set foot on its soil.
Yes, the power of a hand near a drink, means you are never alone, even when more than likely you are, it shows prowess, a reassurance that you are here, a stance an affirmed stance, here I am this is me, look out those who doubt me, look at my drink see it rooted in the palm of my hand, all hale to thee who holds his drink in good stance and stature.

Defiantly sexual prowess in Charlie’s mind; that is affirmed by his drink, after a few he could go at anything.

“Even his sister had better look out,”
he once told his mates.
Well his male heart was in the right place, his mates laughed, thought it was enormously entertaining, though none of them grasped that he was more than hinting at incest.
Concrete gardens aside, yes, a drink in Charlie’s hand helps him to show that he, he Charlie Bearings really can drink, be socially accepted and has never thought about shagging his sister. Sexual prowess through alcohol is dangerous though, especially trying to prove it through large consumption of the substance, Charlie has to remember his limits otherwise his dick ends up behaving like the tongue of a dead dog.

“I’ve always thought that”

Always thought that thinks Charlie, he’s never not thought that, so he must of thought it, at least once.

Right back to this stance of his; we’ve got him sorted from the waste down, one leg on the floor, the other next to his balls his remaining genitalia hoping not to be turned into the tongue of a deceased domestic animal and his right arm and hand is firmly near his drink. His torso is fairly standard though he has developed an ever so small cancerous growth on his Pancreas but I’m sure he’ll find that before it finds him properly. His remaining arm (the left one) is roaming around the back of his head, rubbing his hair (it’ll fall out within a few years), stretching it around a bit, or using it as a visual aid to help really emphasize certain points he or she makes.

You may have noticed that so far Charlie has said very little seeing as though the conversations been going on a while. You see he’s well read (as I mentioned previously) and read in some drag paper lying on the train that if you let the girl do the talking (as they really enjoy it) then they’ll think your marvelous;

“a really good listener”

which shows he’s sensitive, caring, attentive.
Most importantly,

“not like other guys I’ve met”

As he sits there processing his strategic operation disguised social execution, he starts to consider how easy this is; he says nothing, he has to sit uncomfortably, he agrees with everything she says and has a drink in hand to confirm his identity. Who says men can’t multitask.

Wallpaper Design No.4

Wallpaper Design No.3 -3-D

Wallpaper Design No.2

Wallpaper Design No.1 (Shelving Unit Inspiration)

Condolence Card Design

More Self help for Twats

More Self help for twats

Self help for twats

Held together by the firm knot in his tie round his neck Mr Windfall really was a product of himself.
Last night had really taken its toll on him again but he was really trying his best to avoid this topic, he hasn’t quite made it into the big time, but he’s very much on the cusp of it. Sitting opposite him you would first of all notice his smart presentation; as I said in the opening line a firm tie tied tight, top button buttoned up, collar bones barred down with the hot iron fist held domestic device, he suited his suit, it was cut fairly well and had cost a decent amount of money, so obeying the rule that if it cost quite a bit of cash then it must be good he opted for it, “yes I’ll take it” where his exact words I think. His shoes polished highly to allow the stitching detail to really shine through so that the casual observer could easily view and recognise him to be smart but not totally square because of the smart casual post modern tinge, they matched just about perfectly his colour scheme shirt tie suit hair, yes the hair remember the hair it’s an important top to a chap like Mr Windfall, smart polished with similar stitched stitching to his shoes, similar in shine to, come to think of it he was wearing his shoes on his head, top matched his tails.
Overall a pleasant viewing experience, though on closer inspection a few more details are uncovered; his knotted tie is indeed tied tight but it really is holding him upright, the tie is tight against his skin which oozes last nights excess, it’s a gutter on his face, the edge of the collar looks like a fry up napkin after math and he’s only been awake an hour, the edged greasy grimace collar laps against the banks of his porridge soggy skin which is castrated against his skull, it feels a size to small and looks a size to big, parts slightly yellowy grey like old gravy other blotches resemble corned beef other key areas liken to that of an untreated wound. The top button indeed buttoned up but the strain beneath it is in tough competition with single mothers, his freshly ironed boned collar is actually supporting specks of bloods on the right hand side where a rushed shave with a rushed blade rushed the cold water hot which rushed the lathering rushed the sweeping straight strokes straight to his throat where the blotched boiled over soup skin met its chewing rushed spoon sharp blade grinding it down beneath its fists, it really was a terrible shave. The only bits of his shirt other than his collar that’s ironed are the part you can see exposed between his jacket, a clever trick one that Mr Windfall was now regretting as his temperature was rising on the journey his brow was trick-trickling his pits where piss-pissing his neck spit-spitting his backs of legs leak-leaking his balls boiling over into his thighs, but if he took his jacket off the game was up, his shirt was like grease proof paper slept on overnight and then the process repeated till golden brown, also the amount of last nights piss that hadn’t come out as piss was now piss trickling down his arms thank fuck his elbows stopped some of this flow what a damn they made, thank fuck for lynx Africa. The suit was tired tied tried down with grief it had witnessed some terrible lows of the self and its tailored ebb and flow had resulted in its grubby close inspection, rubbed in grot of past semi adventures stains of previous semi’s larger blotched Pret crust smears that circumnavigated his straight leg inside leg measurement 33”. “Yes I’ll take it” was only repeated today when first awoken this morning by last night’s abuse. She was female he’s sure of that, designed by fourteen year old boys using crayolas only, maybe a few swan highlighters thrown in to..well highlight, her body was held together with parcel tape tailoring, her nails pink and sharp could tear out a fuck drip within a large radius her pout was that of a trout in a wig she posed and pouted till all possibilities where exhausted and the best sleaze sleepy state statues would guide and swirl towards her like a corpse in the dessert, let the vultures feed she thought the dead sit still but remain hungry. He sold used cars he was a used car she was a used car she sold used cars, no that was it she looked like a used car. He had to accommodate her, it was only the polite thing to do, pissed think to do, his brain being completely disengaged by larger abuse a sloshed it down to make up for lack of decent tailoring, which was spilled round most of the bar down his thigh her thigh, god her golden thigh any golden thigh golden at least in colour thanks to fake and bake tanning lotion lotion was what she wanted then he would provide it yeah what a provider he would be golden thigh caresser and golden inbetweener provider filler, more lotion than she’d ask for. Mr Windfalls account of the night has been edited by consumption but he remembers it going something like this; finished work finished off the beers finished a piss finished witty conversation finished a onemanupmanship put down finished a fag finished a note off finished a closing hour finished a conversation finished a shandy leer finished his snake charm finished his effort finished it with a long lingering gaze down into her eyes an empty compliment of lamented layers lolling around in his motley dick before moving in slow l l y towards her face with the conviction that this is what is best for her, his limping tongue down her throat his mutton meat lips on hers his class clashed teeth against hers his sewer splitters spit slipping down her struggling gullet his feverishly twitching knob end winking at her cunt between those golden thighs his aspergic hands laying claims to her thighs then waist waste the shoulders give me the firm felted tits clasp tight the nickel nipple his erogenous zone doing all the brain work his pathetic limp wristed attempt at item removal his need of a brown overcoat to match the care and attention sod her fuck it spit at it she deserves it she wants this when she was born the nurses all knew this would happen its no surprise then that his body and hers is now horizontal on the bed his cheap sheets from the modern department clinging to her naked curves like a velvet drape on the stage his stage ready to walk the floor boards, all his above hard work discarded on the floor of his bedroom his shirt his tie his suit his shoes his eager thrusting towards her thighs missing at first his nudging towards her golden brow his pushing up against the fake gold lotion towards the real gold his lack lustre towards the goal his only goal all day since it last happened his attempt pathetic attempt at the task in hand his success when she guides his screaming lord towards it golden goal his relief at sinking pleasure now to really show what he’s worth he knows what he’s worth he’s worth shit, prove other wise as her well oiled machinery lubricates and squirms against the tidal flow, the enjoyment is happening like in a film, there’s children dying in Africa fuck them I’m getting some friction, your wife’s in the phone fuck her I’m getting some friction, your mother s arrived to say that she’s terminally ill fuck her I’m getting friction, the environments burning the monarchy is dying the country is poor you have no job your cars on fire all your possessions are in the skip I’ve killed your sibling I’m taking away your freedom I’m giving you all the responsibility in the world everyone is awaiting your instructions you are this life’s new God, fuck them I’m getting in deep deeper deepest down into new levels of swirling pleasure sealed in skin enveloped in evils contained in contraption parcelled in purity bottled in bottle in bottle in bottle in between violence and power between organ and organ between shit and piss between hope and highs between chemical and conical between imitation and animation between his sheets his location his attempt at something that has been perfected by a thousand thousand others before him a thousand years before a thousand times what a pathetic site he is to all those previously screaming at him to forgive accept lead, no he knows what he’s doing if he is indeed the new God then this will be his first act as God and as a new God his back stiffens his dick stiffens his congregation stiffens his mind stiffens his fingers grip her flesh steaks his thighs moan and weep against hers his eye lids flicker his hair stiffens his toes his arms his neck his collar his shoes his suit his skin his tie his shave is stiff it stiffens the whole world watches to see what there new God has done, they all shrug their shoulders and walk off they’ve all seen a roaring climax result in so little satisfaction, like a kitten being sick he’s sick down her cunt.
He sips the power drink that he’s been gripping for breakfast since the off license takes a lip wetting sip his whole body convulses at the intake of more liquid shclip schlide down to the gullet not rot a lot drink but rot you not sugar gut stirrer. Swell sweat gleams off the shimmers of the bottle plastic finger nails hold apart the plastic swell between himself and the passing scenery below his mind turns to the next time when the opportunity will present itself for him Mr Windfall to become the next God of it all everything all that you know more that you don’t know, more over move aside if I move from this place I will surely die never again but when again will I be screamed at, worshipped, lusted over.
A fresh bit of friction God plan sits opposite Mr Windfall there is no one else in the carriage he’ll have to settle for her.

Capital Gain

AFTER A HARD DAYS BUILD ON THE ILLEGAL INTERNET CAFÉ/SUPER POLSHKI SLEPE MARKET BUILD SITE, THE TWO FRIENDS GUNDRATT AND BOOZEMATT DECIDED THAT THEY’D EARNT A GRAND EVENING OUT.IT’D BEEN A HARD DAYS WORK FOR BOTH OF THEM, GUNDRATT HAD TO BUILD A CHICKEN ROTATION MACHINER AND BUTTER COTTAGE NEEDED A NEW GAUGE SYSTEM INSTALLING FOR BUTTER SYPHONING. BOOZEMATT ON THE OTHER HAND WAS OCCUPIED ALL DAY OUT THE BACK OF THE DEAD ANIMALS KEBABATTACK LEARNING ZONE SMOKING THE POLISH FOUR PAPERS WIDE LOOSE EXTRA SPECIAL SO STRONG SO SMALL SMOKES, THAT AND BEATING DOWN THE SCOTTISH AT TURBO DRINKING, THAT’S CORRECT HE DON’T HAVE NO JOB AS THIS OCCUPIES ALL HIS HEADY DAYS.GUNDRATT HAD CONSUMMED FORTY FOUR COFFEES KOFTE THAT DAY AND ALL TO EAT HALF A CRUMPLED PIG AND A RAW BINS TEN WEEK BOILED OIL CABBAGE, A SPECIALITY IN HIS HOME VILLAGE.IT WAS DECIDE THAT THE PLACE FOR THEM TO REALLY UNWIND AND REFRESH THEMSELVES WOULD BE FIRST STOP AT THE OLD SLAG PIPE PUB WHERE LARGER LARGER OF INDUSTIRA STRENGHTH WOULD GUIDE THEM LIKE A DEFUNCT SPUTNIK MONUMENT TOWARDS THE POLISHED CUP OF AFFLUENCE AND INFLUENZA OF, EMERATES NIGHT CLUB, COME IN FOR DRINK WARSAW THE SLOGAN THAT THEY COULDN’T READ.THEY READYED THEMSELVES FOR THE NIGHT OF UNKNOWN SUCCESS BY EATING THE OLD COAL HOLE LEAD SEWAGE PIPE SOUP THAT HAD BEEN BUBBLING ON THE STOVE FOR A WEEK, GARNISHED WITH CURRIED ANTS. TO WASH THE WHOLE AFFAIR DOWN THEY THEN DICIDED THAT TONIGHT WAS THE NIGHT TO OPEN THE NINE NINETY NINE BOTTLE OF GUT CLEAROUT VODKA SCHLOSS,AFTERV ALL IT WAS CHRISTMAS.BELLIES FULLL OF NUTRIOSIOUS FILTH AND BILE CHURNING HALF LITRE EACH OF THE NINE NINETY NINE THEY DONNED THERE FINEST JEANS WITH THE MANY ZIPS AND STAINS OF PAST EXCURSIONS INTO BEDRAGGLED BEHAVIOUR , SLICKED THER HAIR WITH THE FINEST SLEPE SCHLOPE WET LOOK GEL SLICK TO GIVE THERE OIL REFINARY HAIR THAT REAL SLICK LOOK TO GET THE BIRDS OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE A REAL STIRRING IN THEIR GROINS.TO THE PUB THE SXTUBBLE OFF TALKING THEIR GINNERISH RABBLINGS OF PAINS PAST AND PRESENT, AHH THE PUB THE WARM EMBRACE OF A PINT OF VIOLENCE, A CLAPPED OUT OLD CHAIR LIFT TO HEAVEN AWAITS THEM AT THE OLD SLAG PIPE.THE OLD SLAG PIPE, THE SORT OF PUB YOU COULDN’T WALK INTO WITHOUT KNOWING AT LEAST THE VERY BASICS OF ITS ETTICATE, A FUNCTION KNOWN TO FEW AND MANY.BOOZEMATT BEING A BEARER OF SUCH PRIVALAGE KNOWLEDGE LED THE WAY THROUGH IT’S HEAVY SUBMARINE DOORS THAT HELPED ENTOMB THE ATMOSHPERE OF THE PLACE VACUM PACKED VEGETABLES.THE USUAL COLLECTION OF CRUMPLED CHARACTERS WHERE SCATTERED AROUND, PILES OF OLD HEMOROID RIDDEN DRINKERS STARING DISMELY INTO THEIR OWN PITS OF REGRET AND WONDERMENT AT HOW THEY’D ENDED UP BACK HERE AGAIN, NICOTINE STAINED SERGANTS OF GROSSLY POPULATED FAILURE, THE BAR STANK OF BROKEN BODIES SHATTERED TEETH AND ROARING ENTHUSIASM VFOR IT ALL. MANY A BROKEN MAN HAD BEEN ELATTED BY THE INTOXICATION OF IT’S ETERNAL WINTER, CARED FOR GUIDED AND NUTURED TO THE POINT OF COLAPSE.IF EVER THERE WAS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, THEN THIS REALLY WAS IT.WITH AN AIR OF REAL VALUE AND A STRIDE TO MATCH THEY WALKED TO THE BAR AND ORDERED.DRINK DRINK DRINK IT DOWN IN FOUR FOUR TIME, CRINKING TO THE POINT OF DROWNING, LARGER PLEASE BREAK THEIR MINDS TURN THEM INTO A OBJECT OF DESIRE FOR THE FIGURES AT THE MUSEUM, ROT THEIR GUTS,TURN INSIDE OUT THEIR MINDS CRACK DYSENTRY ALL OF THE FLOOR, BUILD UP THEIR ARMS WITH TREMENDOUS GIRTH,LIFT THAT POISON WATER TIL THEIR WRISTS CRACK SPLINTER ALL OVER THEMSELVES, LET THEM USE THE STRENGTH TO LIFT UP THEMSELVES TO NEW HEIGHTS OF CRIPPLED MORTALITY RATE LEVELS, SMASH IT DOWN ON THE LESS FORTUNATE, LEER JET THE NIGHT AWAY, VIOLENT DISAPPOINTING PATHETIC STANDARD EXCEPTIONAL ECSTATIC QUICK PROMOTION SWEETHEARTS WIVES SISTERS DAUGHTERS ON THE RECEIVING END OF ALL THE ABOVE, HOW GREAT HOW VIRTUITOUS. THE GROG THE GROG TIP IT DOWN THEIR STARCH PARTCHED THROATS TIP IT DOWN THEMSELVES. THE BARMAID AT THE OLD SLAG PIPE FITTED THE BILL PERFECTLY, SHE WAS LIKE A CAR CRASH THAT HAD CLAIMED MANY VICTIMS, LOOKED LIKE A CAR ASWELL. A REAL SHINY HOSTESS WITH ALL THE GRACE AND POISE OF THE WATER SHE POURED, OPTIONAL EXTRAS STUCK ON LIKE A CHROME CHRISTMAS TREE, TITS HELD UP BY A FEAT ONLY KINGDOM BRUNEL KNOWS, AN ASS LIKE A POTAO SACK DURING THE GREAT FAMINE, TICKING ALL THE RIGHT BOXES FOR OUR TWO GALLANT SOBSTERS. WITH THIS NEW FIRE IN THEIR BELLY WITH THE HOPE OF STRICKING FEAR INTO THE SAME DRENCHED STOMACH OF THEIR ENEMYS GUNDRATT AND BOOZMATT WHERE COMPLETELY ENVELOPED WITH NEW LIFE CONFODENCE, GOOD BYE BALL AND CHAIN OF THE REGURES OF LIFE HELLO NEW EXISTENCE WHERE ALL IS BEYOND POSSIBLE.TO THERE OWN JUDGEMENT OF INTOXICATION THEY BOTH DECIDE THAT TO SPEND A NIGHT AT THE SLAG PIPE WOULD BE A WASTE TO THE WORLD, THEY HAD BARREL BOTTOM AMOUNT OF CASH, FAG END GOOD LOOKS AND SOME REAL MONSTER TRUCK JEANS ON. THE PLACE THEY NEW THEIR TALENTS WOULD BE ACCEPTED AND ACKNOWLEDGED WOULD BE THE EMERATES NIGHTCLUB, REALLY IT IS THE HIEGHT OF THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE ROAD WITHOUT GOING TO FAR ASTRAY. WOBBLY WITH CONFIDENCE, BORED WITH ANTICIPATION FLAY AND STAMP DOWN ANYONE WHO DARE STEP IN THEIR WAY FOR TO THE EMERATES NIGHT CLUB IS THE JOURNEYS PATH.LOOK OUT LADIES OF A QUESTIONABLE NATURE, THESE TWO REALLY DO MEAN THE BEST MINI CAB OF BUSINESS, FULL LISCENCE WAITING APPROVAL BUT PROVITIONAL GRANTED THROUGH VODKA FOUR FOR FIVE APPRECIATION SOCIETY. IF THE OLD SLAG PIPE BE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, THEN THE EMERATES NIGHT CLUB IS A BEACON, A BLAZING FIRE OF POSSABILITES AT THE END OF TUNNEL SO HOT THAT IT’S A QUESTION WHY GO NEAR IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.LUMINATED IN THE SAME BATHED LIGHT THAT LIT UP THE CHURCH AND BENCH SWIGGERS OPPOSITE ALL DOORSTEP PRESENTING BRIFCASE RED TOUCHES OF SOPHITSTICATION IT SURELY DID ADD, SPLASHES OF NEW LOOK TROWL PAINT ADDORBTIONS ABSTRACT ENOUGH TO PUT OFF THOSE WHO DARN’T WELCOMING TO THOSE WHO KNEW ALL THE MORE BETTER. SINCE THE BLUE LIGHT CLOSURE OF GUNNERS MEMBER PLAY NIGHTCLUB, EMERATES NIGHTCLUB WAS WITHOUT ANY DOUBTS IN THE MINDS OF GUNDRATT AND BOOZEMATT THE VERY TOP OF THE BILL. ON ARRIVAL THE DOORMAN WHO HELD ALL THE CARDS FOR THE CLIENTELE OBSERVED THE FIRST OF THE PAIR, BOOZEMATT HAD INDEAD THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF SAFTEY FEATURES STAGGER ABOUT HIM ENOUGH SWAY SLURR AND LEER EYE PASS THE PERSONALITY TEST, NEXT STEP THE ATTIRE TEST; YES HE HAS THE CORECT DISCO STAINS OVER ALL OF HIS JEANS, THE SHIRT ALSO COMPLIMENTS THE LOOK BY WAY OF THE PERMNANANT HAIR GREAS STAINS ON THE COLLAR, COULD DO WITH NEW BONES THOUGH, CRUMPLED NO EVIDENCE OF AN IRON EVER BREATHED ON IT, SLEPT IN LOOK DONE, NO JACKET WEATHER PROTECTION NEEDED AS HE NEVER FEELS THE COLD, GRUBBY FINGER NAILS DOWN TO HARD WORK AND/OR LOW HYGENE STANDARDS, SCUFFED BEYOND REPAIR STREET ROMPER SHOES/SPORTS WEAR/ HIKING SHOE PERFORMANCE POWER ATTRIBUTABLE TO SHEER HEART ATTACK VOMIT PERFORMANCE ENDURING SKID ROW SPECIAL EFFECTS, WELL SLEPT IN FACE BAKED POTATO OVER DONE ON HIGH GAS MARK PLENTY OF FAG BURN EYELASHES PROMINENT JOWEL SCOWL BROODING OVER THE NEXT ATTEMPT AT RAISING THE STANDARD OF LIVING, YES HE’LL DEFFINATLY DO.